but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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