Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
