Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
