i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
