Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Still dying that you shit outside
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
