She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
