need another drink. this is the easiest way
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I am mentally ready for anal.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
