So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I will pee on everything he values.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
