I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
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