i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
