new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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