dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
you had me at cake vodka
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
last night I used snow as a chaser
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
