Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Randomize
