I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
