My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize