I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
