it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I miss vodka workout Fridays
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
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You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
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I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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