Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i think i have herpe
just one?
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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