Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
