Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
