her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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