the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
