I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
