The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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