My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
