i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
then he tried to convert me to islam
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
