I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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