he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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