She went from zero to smokin in five shots
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Fuck appropriateness.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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