You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Randomize
