she woke up with a sticky ear
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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