My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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