god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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