he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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