im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
Me too!
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
