its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
