I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
