Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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