I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
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why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
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Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
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