my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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