the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
