my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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