Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
