whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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