Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
