oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
