I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
