all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
