Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
