My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
