I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
