We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
