TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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