Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
