So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
