I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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