I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
This is classic penis vs brain.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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