i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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