Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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